Holiday Happenings

Help and Thanks

Painting by Jules-Alexandre Grün

This weekend we celebrated Thanksgiving here at Alchimia Lupinaar. It's rather like Nedengiving, but without cranberry sauce or carnival games. This place is enough of a circus on a normal day, and you all know how I feel about that gelatinous garbage. It's a time for us to all get together and engorge ourselves with unhealthy but delicious food and enjoy the general annoyance of each others company.

Part of what makes holidays like this so great is everyone helping out. From the stable boys to my best girl, everyone participated in making the day special. There was something for everyone to do. Even Legionnaire Daniel helped by quickly removing any food dropped on the floor. The day after our fantastic dinner we spent decorating the house for Yule. Again, everyone helped, even Sven who at this point was quite irritable.

Sven especially enjoys this time of year, as he gets to yell profanities at nearly everyone as it is the only time we are all allowed into his kitchen. He also hates it, because everyone is in his kitchen. It's amazing to see so much helpfulness on display. Truly, I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my employ. Now, I am pretty good at handling most problems that arise in my household and business, but it can be very difficult to address people being 'too helpful', and that is exactly what I spent much of my weekend doing.

Mostly I try to drop some not so subtle hints that someone is just in my way rather than actually being useful. But some people just do not get it. They think you are just being nice. When you say 'let me do that', they hear 'oh you don't need to help,' but that is not what I am saying. I am saying that I in no way want your help. When I say 'here is an easier way of doing that', what I mean to say is 'you're doing that wrong you and I want to murder you for it', and when I say 'please, go sit and relax', what I want to say is 'get the bloody hell out of my sight, you useless buffoon.' But I don't say the latter, because it would be quite rude to be so cruel to someone who really is making an honest attempt to help.

So how do you get someone to understand that they aren't helping without being callous? Sometimes you just can't. If it's a situation where you will only be dealing with the offender for a brief period of time I would suggest the old 'grin and bear it' method. It may not be worth starting an argument or hurting someone's feelings if there are no long term repercussions for ignoring the offending behavior. I know that many of you may not understand the concept of something not being worth arguing over. I myself tend to struggle with this, but sometimes it really is easier to simply say 'ok, old salt' and move on with your life. Oftentimes, they aren't going to understand even if you are horridly and explicitly honest with them about how you are feeling.

Now, it might be cathartic to get into a shouting match with someone and angrily spit out everything you are feeling, but before you do this, ask yourself what it's really going to solve. Usually you'll find it's better to just swallow instead. You can still get your catharsis though. Holding all that rage inside isn't good for your mental state, after all, so find someone to vent to. Sven could have blown his top on us for all of our failures to help, but instead he ranted in the greenhouse at me for an hour. His tirade would likely have lasted longer, but all his yelling caught the attention of Miguel, and he chased us out of there yelling something about 'a plant murdering whore'. Afterwards, Sven felt much better, either from the opportunity to scream his frustrations at someone he knew could handle it, or from the hilarious vision of Miguel brandishing a hoe. Probably a little of both.

To the person who wishes to help, you bear the brunt of the responsibility here. Please, just listen to what the person you are annoying is saying and do it. You are not aiding anyone when you aren't comprehending what needs to be done, how it needs to be done, and what they actually want you to do. Learn to tell the difference between 'I don't need your help' and 'I don't want your help'. Social queues are very important things to understand in life. Look for signs that the person you are assisting actually wishes for your assistance. If they are getting frustrated with you, back off before they feel the desire to slaughter you. Signs of frustration include but are not limited to: eye rolling, heavy sighing, clenched fists, pursed lips, their hands tightening around your neck, etc. The best way to be helpful is to actively take stress away from others, not cause it.

All of this aside, I am thankful for the opportunity to live with some wonderfully quirky misfits. They truly are like family to me, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. And speaking of being helpful, I need to go and purchase some new plants for Miguel. Several in the greenhouse seemed to have mysteriously died last night...