I Can't Even

Who doesn't like the gift of a perfectly good head?

Be My Guest

It has come to my attention that there are all kinds of guides and suggestions out there on how to be a good host, but very little on how to be a good and gracious guest. 'But Zarine,' you are undoubtedly thinking, 'I have no responsibilities as a guest.' Oh, my dear, I can't even begin to tell you how wrong you are. As an invited guest you have many obligations to fulfill, some of them are optional and/or venue dependent, and some of them are such common sense that it's a wonder that you plebs need to be told about them. But alas, if you didn't I wouldn't have anything to write about, so allow me to educate you on the fine art of not being an arse.

As I stated above, some of your obligation depends on where you are, who you are seeing, and the reason for the occasion. You really should know the rules and regulations for every type of event, but as I only have a limited amount of ink I must constrain myself to one area for now. So, for the purposes of this article, we will be focusing on your accountability as a guest in someone's home for a small social gathering.

Be on time. If dinner starts at six, that doesn't mean show up at eight with your stomach growling and making your host feel as though they must either feed you or listen to your complaining gut all night. On the other side of this rule, don't show up two hours early either, unless that is something that you have cleared with your host and you are willing to help out with preparations for the gathering. My basic rule is to be a quarter of an hour to either side of the suggested time. If an event starts at six, arriving between a quarter to til a quarter past that time is within the acceptable window.

Bring a gift for the host. They are inviting you into their home and have done all of the work for you to have an enjoyable evening. The least you can do is bring a bottle of wine as a thank you. Of course, if the gathering is of the pot-luck variety, bringing a dish excludes you from having to bring a host gift as you've already fulfilled that with whatever uninventive and bland dish you've undoubtedly provided.

Make sure to thank your host for inviting you and compliment their home and attire even if you think their house is a mess and their clothing choices unfortunate. It's called being polite. Sometimes, you need to lie to be polite. Just call them 'dear' and 'love' a lot, I find that that makes them either believe me, or at the very least not call me on my obvious falsehood.

Clean up after yourself. Really, this isn't a hard concept. It's something that we expect small children to be able to handle. Your host will often tell you that you don't need to, but ignore that, as your host is also required to dabble in polite lies. It takes very little effort to not make a complete mess of someone's home. And you shouldn't be breaking anything, but if you do, don't just leave it there for your host to find later. Apologize and ask for a broom.

Know your hosts preference on footwear in their home. Some people and cultures prefer for you to remove your footwear before entering their home and if that is that case then you should respect their wishes. I however, find feet to be utterly disgusting and don't want to see them, so please don't take your shoes, boots, socks, rags, or whatever else you wear on your hooves off in my home. The safest route here is to simply ask, or you could casual check out what other guests have done. Though do try to keep in mind that the other guests could be clueless morons and copying them could be a risk.

Don't take your pants off, that's just weird. I mean, unless you're invited to look at their art collection, and even then, make sure it's not an actual art collection before stripping down. I made that mistake once and let me tell you, it was quite the shock to realize that I was not the nude he wanted to look at. Turns out, it's not always an innuendo, some people actually have art collections.

Don't overstay your welcome. Learn how to read social cues. Is your host yawning a lot, struggling to keep their eyes open, and looking longingly towards the stairs that lead to their bedchambers? Either they are incredibly bored with you and you need to be more stimulating, or they want you to leave so that they can go to bed. I don't care if it's only ten o'clock either, sometimes people get old and have early bedtimes. Don't judge those people. You'll be there someday, trust me.

Be respectful of your host's home. Seriously, I can't stress this enough. If they ask you to stop doing something, not to go in certain areas, not to bring certain people with you, not to touch things, to stop being so annoying, just do it. This is their home. Their personal space. Don't be a jerk.

Really all of your responsibility as a guest can be summed up with 'don't be a disrespectful idiot'. It's very easy; easier than one of my girls on a Wednesday night, and if you have ever been to Alchimia Lupinaar on a Wednesday night, you know how incredibly easy that is. Just smile, say please and thank you, and enjoy the pleasant evening your host is excited to provide you with. Oh, and don't forget to tell your host if you are coming, not RSVPing is literally the worst.