I Can't Even

Public Speaking

Look at how raptly they are paying attention. Clearly this guy is making friends and influencing people. Be like him.

Even though I am traveling for business this week I have still managed to find time to write about how much you all disappoint me. Oh no, no need to thank me. Really, this kind of charitable work is quite rewarding.

Most of your public speaking skills are terrible. Perhaps you are really great at making speeches, perhaps you are great at snarky comments that would make us all laugh, or perhaps you simply have something very important to say, but I can't be entirely sure because none of us can actually hear you. And therein lies the root of the problem. People say to me, 'But Zarine, do you really want to hear them', and the answer, surprising even to me, is yes. I mean, if you are going to be up there wasting my time, I'd like to know what it is you are wasting my time with.

We all sit at court, attempting to be respectful of whatever announcement is being made. We are even being quiet, for the most part, until we realize that it doesn't matter. The room could be so silent that you could hear a pin drop, and yet we still could not hear whatever presumably important thing you are prattling on about. So the plebs start talking amongst ourselves to alleviate the boredom and suddenly they are the ones who are contemptuous. Well, perhaps my dear, if you were more engaging people wouldn't be so disinclined to strain their ears to listen.

There are a few areas I can pinpoint that may be your problem. First is that you are simply nervous. That's understandable. Even I get nervous on occasion. The key is to not let anyone know just how apprehensive you are. Fake it til you make it, I always say. Speak confidently. Project to the audience. Speak into that magical voice amplifier with as much gusto as you used when you tried to devour the last person you kissed with your ridiculously unromantic technique. Don't hold back because your afraid of what we'll think, because now all we are thinking is that you are wasting our time.

Your second issue could be that you aren't actually addressing the audience. So often it seems that groups go up to present at court and then only speak to each other. If you are going to stand before the public, why would you then not address the public? You bring someone before the court to presumably bestow upon them some great honor, yet only the honoree can hear it. Or at least, I hope at least they can even if the rest of us can't. It's assumed that you are honoring them publicly for a reason, yet if only the people standing with you at court can hear it than what is the point? You might as well have done it privately and saved us all some time. Remember that the rest of us are there and attempting to listen and care about what you are saying. So, you know, talk to us. Include us in your conversation. If you want to converse amongst yourselves, save it for next weeks sewing circle.

And of course all of this goes for bardic performances as well. It doesn't matter how talented you are if you stare at the ground the whole time and whisper a song that someone else wrote. It's called connecting to your audience, and it's really not all that difficult. All it requires is a bit of confidence. Make some eye contact for goodness sake. Act like you actually want to be there, you at least owe that much to your audience who is doing a better job at it than you. Make me want to buy whatever it is you're selling. It should be too hard. Last week I bought a whole box of feathers from some street urchins for no reason at all. When I got home I discovered that they were still attached their owners. If those filthy little kids could sell me a box of dead birds, you can certainly convince me that you are enjoying your own performance. If you are not enjoying it, and you are not getting paid, perhaps you should reevaluate why you are even up there.

Really, my dears, we all want to be respectful and supportive, but you need to give us something to respect and support. Public presentations are a two way street. Practice if you are not good at it. Have a friend stand far away and practice speaking so that they can hear you. Speak in front of a mirror, and while you are there, take a look at that outfit choice and maybe change it. Or, alternately, just sit down and let someone else do the talking. I guarantee someone is just waiting to take your place, and hopefully they read my articles and will do a better job than you.