I Can't Even

Surprises and Parties

Recently I became aware that some of you plebs literally have no idea how to keep a secret long enough for it to become a surprise. Fortunately for all of you I've learned how to keep a lot of secrets over the years, a skill for which most of you should be thanking me. Turns out, most of the Realms is pretty chatty in bed. It's like their verbal filter comes off with their clothing. The result is that I know an awful lot about everyone yet I somehow manage to keep it mostly to myself, making me quite well equipped to give advice on how one should go about throwing a surprise party.

Step one is to decide that the impending gathering is to be a surprise for a specific unsuspecting individual. Once it has been decided that the true reason for the gathering is to be withheld from this particular someone the most difficult part of the party planning begins, for now you must organize the entire affair while also attempting to hide it from them. Hiding affairs is easier than one would think, and unlike most of the clandestine affairs that I juggle this would only have to be withheld from one person and only for a limited time. Should be easy, right? Wrong. You all can complicate the simplest of tasks, so you are sure to mess this up.

Step two is the actual planning of the event. Place, time, theme, etc. Since event planning isn't the focus of this particular piece I won't be elaborating on that at this time. Perhaps in a future article, or perhaps I will forget about it all together.

Step three is getting the word out to the right people without getting the word out to the wrong person(s). This is actually rather difficult to do as most people are terrible gossips at heart and word will spread like wild fire once it's been set free into the world. There are steps that you can take that should help to keep it contained, however. The invitations are very important in this regard. At one point I wrote an article for The View about invitations, or at least I think I did. I can't quite remember now. However, that's not really the point here.

It should go without saying that you should not post it in taverns, inns, stables, errant trees, the occasional saddle, and really anywhere you can see it. Yet here we are. You will need to decide who you will be inviting, gather up their addresses, and send them a personal request for their attendance. Send. In the mail. To be delivered to the person for which it is intended. If it's posted 'anywhere you can see it' then the person you are trying to surprise can also see it. Unless the person you are throwing the party for is blind, and in that case carry on with your very obvious visual cues. But if they have working ocular cavities they will now surely know about your ill fated 'surprise'.

The card should definitely include the fact that it is a surprise, preferably in big bold letters in a very obvious place. That means not as a flippant comment in the postscript. And definitely not in the post postscript. At that point you might as well have left it out entirely. Not that this article is about anyone specific or anything, though if it were I would congratulate you on your use of the proper post postscript abbreviation. But this isn't about anyone specific so I won't.

You will need a sure fire way to get them to the venue the day of the party, else the whole thing will have been for naught as you will have thrown an entire festival for someone who wasn't even there. 'Surprise, we had a party for you last week, sorry you missed it' probably isn't the marvelous revelation you are going for here.

In closing, I give you my most important advice about surprises. Don't ever, ever, ever, surprise me with anything. I hate surprises. Seriously. Surprise parties are the worst. Someone always ends up disappointed in the end. Just do yourself a favor and don't throw one. Just have a straight up, aboveboard, normal celebration. Your intended victim will thank you.