I Can't Even

Gags

I hate April Fools. I mean, I hate fools of every month, but especially on the first day of April. I usually tend to hide in my rooms and avoid any type of public communication platforms. But people keep asking me if I am going to publish some sort of gag today so here I am to clear the air.

I do not do gags. I know, I know, some folks just reflexively perform gags. I do not. It's a reflex that I trained out of myself long ago and have worked tirelessly to train out of my employees. It's a quite uncouth thing to do, and I am sick to death of people thinking that it's alright to do simply because it's the first day of April.

Wondering why this day became such a gag fest when other days so gloriously did not, I did some research and discovered absolutely nothing of note. So basically, all I can conclude is that people are morons that like an excuse to give people like me anxiety all day worrying about what ridiculous prank might be played, and what news might be complete and utter poppycock.

You plebs think that you are so funny, making your friends and families think that you're pregnant, tricking poor unsuspecting folks into believing that new and fantastic food items have been invented, and generally making jokes of things that are simply not jokes. The buffoonery knows no bounds, and people think anything can be made into a jest simply because it's a 'holiday'. No, my dears, holidays are things that spark joy. This one does not spark joy.

Most people have caught on to the fact that literally nothing that they hear today is even remotely close to the truth. Yet for some nonsensical reason you imbeciles insist on continuing this abhorrent tradition. Well, I will not be participating in these shenanigans on this or any day. The biggest joke I want to see today is, well, a lot smaller than you claim it is. But I will not even be seeing that, which isn't a play on words pertaining once again to size, but a statement of fact as I will not be accepting any guests or venturing forth from the confines of my rooms.

So play your pranks on each other and leave me out of it. I hope that you give as good as you get if you do decide to participate. And if you don't, I heard that they are launching a floating tiki bar in the harbor today. You should check it out. They named a drink in your honor.